On a recent trip back to DC via Baltimore, I asked Mat if he thought there was a difference between the "Blog Me" and the "Live and in Person Me." His response was immediate and it kind of surprised me: "I think the 'Live and in Person You' is much more quirky." I took it as a compliment, though I had the uneasy feeling that it could really go either way. I can always count on Mat for ambiguity.

The question of the "self" I'm portraying here is one I've been thinking a lot about lately. And it's one of those "crises" that people who blog tend to go through and it's a very boring sort of crisis to have, I know, and I'm a little embarrassed to be going down this road, frankly. But I've done it before. Several times, actually. And I'll probably do it again. So whatever. Deal. This one has a pay-off though, because it involves You!

More and more, You are meeting me for the first time through the words I write here, and not through the words I speak in everyday conversation. Which means that, for many of You (or Yous, as they say here in Jersey) Your entire perception of me is through my writing ... and the occasional strange photo I post of myself. You've never heard my voice. Or seen the manner in which I speak, my facial expressions, my tone, the way I laugh at a good joke. The slouched, cross-legged way I sit in a chair. The way I move my jaw back and forth or tap my teeth together when I'm thinking about something. Like what I'm doing right now, for instance. You don't know about these things. Or rather, You do now. But only because I told You about them. And there's a difference, isn't there, between the "book knowledge" sort of knowing that you get when I tell you I do these things versus the "familiar" sort of knowing you get when you experience those things for yourself. But at the same time, You know a side of me that people who have known me all my life (but who don't read this blog) don't know. You hear a different sort of voice here. Still me, but probably different from my "live" voice.

And so I imagine in knowing that blog voice, it kind of makes me like a character to a lot of You, a character in a very elaborate fiction, a fiction complete with plot lines and a cast of secondary characters all firmly and self-consciously rooted in my own life. And so the real difference between this sort of "fiction me" and the "non-fiction" me is in the words not written. The stuff I, as narrator, leave out. And that makes me deeply flawed and unreliable as hell. And who knows, maybe that's why You like me.

But here's the scary thing: even I'm beginning to see myself this way—as a character. It's partly out of necessity, because sometimes it helps to have that distance there so that I can put the stuff down that I want to put down and ignore the surrounding din of Audience, and that cowering internal voice telling me don't say that. But the problem is that if I'm the character AND the narrator, well, let's face it: I'm kinda fucked. Talk about an existential crisis. I mean, how can I have any kind of objectivity or, for that matter, any kind of subjectivity? How can I exist? Will I suddenly dematerialize? Will I one day only exist online? Will I only exist to You. I guess in one sense the answer to these last couple of questions is: "Eventually, yes." But what about now?

I recently read Lunar Park by Bret Easton Ellis in which the main character of the book is "Bret Easton Ellis." The character Ellis is also an author and has many similarities to the real Ellis, except that he's a character ... in a piece of fiction. I kind of love that idea. And I think it relates nicely to the act of blogging, though I'm sure that's not what Ellis was intending.

Anyway, I watched this BBC interview Ellis did in October 2005 following the release of Lunar Park. The whole thing is pretty good, so if You have some time, take a look. But here's the part I liked the most: In talking about the success of American Psycho, Ellis says:


That last sentence is the kicker. Once a book or blog or character is out there, we have no control over it. And if that blog is mine? And that character is ... me? Holy shit. I'm screwed. I always hoped I'd be saying this under different circumstances, but ... I am completely in Your hands. And since we're still in the lingering twilight hours of Web 2.0, and user-generated content is apparently all the rage, why don't You leave a comment and at the same time satisfy my narcissistic curiosities by answering the same question I posed to Mat: Is there a difference between the "Blog Me" and the "Live and In Person Me?" I'm afraid without the answer to this question, I might cease to exist altogether. So Your very participation is crucial to my survival. I'm hoping that maybe even a few lurkers will comment, though I won't hold my breath. If You don't know me in real life, make up something. Tell me what you imagine the differences to be. Go ahead ... define me. Today, it's all about You ... talking about me, of course. Let's not forget what's important.

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